why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
