I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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