after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
