my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
