I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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