I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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