I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
