the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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