goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
