How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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