Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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