So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
