Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
