I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
