I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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