Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
