Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize