just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
