I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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