Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
