And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
