remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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