so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
