my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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