Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
