i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you had me at cake vodka
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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