Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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