i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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