and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
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I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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