What tipped you off? The sombrero?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
