3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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