how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
