My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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