I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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