hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
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