i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
