but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
