Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
