That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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