having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
