Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
