Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
