just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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