Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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