can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
