can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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