Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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