On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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