I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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