I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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