i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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