My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
