thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
