My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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