I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
