I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
