I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Randomize
