It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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